Before I actually experienced rape I viewed it as a violent act committed by someone known or unknown with the victim being held down forcefully against their will. There are so many stories told and shown in the movies about this type of violent rape occurring that when it happened to me I didn’t even classify it as rape but I was affected deeply.
My perpetrator was actually someone that I worked with who liked me and I liked him too (no benefits). We were not in a relationship at the time but went on dates to dinner, movies and I was even introduced to his family briefly. Since I was away from home with no family during this time (college years) and not in a relationship for once in my life, I wanted to explore the city and just have fun hanging out with someone who I thought I could trust.
I'll never forget the day that it happened, my Mom was in town visiting me and we all had gone out to dinner and enjoyed ourselves. For some reason we arrived back at my apartment late in the evening so I had offered for him to spend the night seeing that it was late, I did not think anything of the offer at that time. Never in my wildest dreams would I think this guy would attempt to solicit sex or have anything transpire with my Mom right in the other room.
As we lay on the blow-up bed in the front room (with clothes on) we talked about life in general. Within an instance, he hopped on top of me and pulled my shorts down as he pulled his pants down and penetrated me, the act happened so quickly that I could barely understand what had happened. I was in shock and disbelief that he had taken it upon himself to insert himself in my space literally and that’s when the negative thoughts of blame/shame took over in my mind.
The negative questions of:
What do you think would happen in a dark room on a bed?
It’s your fault you shouldn’t have invited him to spend the night!
Was I sending mixed signals that I wanted sex?
Who would believe you if you reported him?
Maybe you were being a tease and therefore you deserved it!
Why didn't you push him off of you and say NO?
As I replayed the whole scenario in my head of what had just happened I blocked out everything that happened next…. All I know is that I severed any interaction with him and resigned from my job shortly after that. I just swept it under a rug and swallowed the pain and moved on with my life. Moving on from problems or issues was what I was used to doing when it came to the hurt and pain associated with them. I never even addressed what had happened to me or classified it as rape and how it affected my future relationships.
Not until recently, as I recounted the story to my husband almost 15 years later and he was in disbelief that this had happened and that I just disregarded it!! What I had done was suppress the incident for so long before I realized that it was rape. We women sometimes treat ourselves with disregard when it comes to our bodies and our well-being and this can slowly kill us inside. I am taking a stand to let women know that yes, I am a survivor of rape and that you can be healed and be free of the hurt and pain by telling your story. Don’t think that just because your rape story doesn’t look like someone else’s rape story that it isn’t rape – it is just that, RAPE!!!!
Rape is a delicate subject because there are several different ways in which someone can be raped, not every rape is the same. Everyone handles it differently, holding it in can not only destroy your future relationships as well as damage who you are as a person. Please don't make the same mistake I did, if you are assaulted DO something about it, report it, take your life back.
With that being said, I have attached an article below that gives you more information about rape and what to do if you are put in this situation where rape happens.
I've been raped. What do I do now?
I pray that what I have shared today gives someone the courage to tell their story and get help whether you are male or female you matter!
Thank you for your comments!